So what’s changed? The internet. The bloody internet. That’s what. We were sold the amazing concept on the premise that it would bring us closer to the world, it would enable us to communicate better, it would provide us fast access to articles and educational materials,  it would allow us the opportunity to shop for things in an instant and generally enrich our lives  through a greater, faster, more productive access to knowledge. It is very obvious that I was all too easily led astray by these lovely marketing ideals. I was a sucker. The internet seems to have done a far greater job of peddling vice than any of the virtuous offerings that I had been promised.

The most prevalent themes online are porn, gambling and marketing. Not that these are bad things. These are small little insignificant annoyances when compared to the most threatening, encompassing, choking vice of all: allowing people to talk about themselves. And the bloody web is full of it and that is why I believe it to be a force of great evil. It allows, no, encourages any schmuck to have his say and by christ they do. It has ripped decent writing to shreds by encouraging this mediocrity and I for one believe, “You can’t trust the people. The people like Coldplay. The People voted for the Nazi’s”. So come on people work with me here; I don’t give a toss what you ate for dinner;  who you want evicted from big brother or the latest self righteous bloody cause you’re trying to force down my throat. Get your bloody blog out of my face.

Take this article for example. What a complete waste of time.

A typical Coffee aficionado. Fervent in the pursuit of 'proper coffee'

For the record I was not refused a coffee from starbucks because of a lack of lids. I would never be caught buying an overpriced cup of pretentious arse juice with or without a lid. I hate the stuff and most of all I hate the throngs of coffee aficionados that look down their noses at you for not drinking the stuff. I don’t get it. It’s a drink. It stops you feeling thirsty. End of. Since when has a drink been such a point of interest? Who said it was okay to bond over a coffee? Why do people that love coffee always say ‘oh that doesn’t taste anything like proper coffee?’. Well what does it taste like you idiot?

Harsh? Maybe. But my hatred of all things coffee isn’t really for the drink; what I really hate is the snobbery. The exclusivity of it all. Coffee drinkers are a tribe, a religion, a brethren: and I’m not welcome. So how about all of you coffee drinkers stop turning up your nose when I ask for a cup of tea. Stop ‘doing’ coffee and invite people out for a drink of their choice.

I set this category up on my blog with the intention of criticising everything wrong with modern times: knife crime, ready meals, starbucks coffee, dizzee rascall, x factor, etc etc. But today is a historic day. I have just finished watching BBC’s ‘fix me’ a horizons show about stem cell research. Wait! Before you fall asleep with boredom… they showed how scientists have found ways to grow hearts, fix spinal chord injuries and enable people to grow new limbs. Yes… grow new limbs! Bloody brilliant.

The show followed the story of three people that have ailments that are currently incurable. The first was a girl that had suffered a spinal chord injury in a car crash and she was, as a result, wheelchair bound. She went to meet doctors and scientists in America who were working toward curing something that currently has no cure. Science has found a way of isolating regenerative cells and sending them to the areas that need them. This will hold the key to curing spinal chord injuries.

The show also followed a guy that had lost his leg after a rugby challenge and a bad operation. He met up with the military research centre in the US where they had been looking into ways of enabling people to regrow limbs. Yes RE GROW LOST LIMBS! They had taken the Mexican salamander as their inspiration. When the little amphibian loses a limb it is able to grow a new one. Closer scientific research made scientists believe that humans could do the same. The scientists found that when humans lose a limb their body reacts by creating scar tissue and covering the wound. The salamander reacts differently and sends regenerative cells to the wound instead. Scientists have isolated the regenerative cells in humans and are able to send these to a wound and the cells will in turn create a new limb. Yes seriously. They have tried it on a soldier that lost a finger and he has seen growth of a new digit!

There was once a time when the major inconvenience a writer faced was if the ink spilt. If this horror struck the writer would be unfortunate enough to lose a section of his writing. Now we don’t ruin our work with a mere ink spillage instead we wipe the lot. And it’s always the most important piece of work that you have completed all week. And it always happens at the worst possible time. What’s that all about. Swap my 8-Core Mac Pro 3Ghz for a pencil and paper any day!

Spice up your team building Battle Royale style!

In fact we are so rubbish at rolling up our sleeves some savvy Team Building folks have come up with a way of making money out of it by inventing games and exercise that address this issue. Cynics out there might refer to team building as the worst of all modern intrusions. But surely being encouraged to be nice to one another and work together is a good thing? My only gripe is that these sessions always appear so insipid. Why go for a day working in a soup kitchen or out in a field on a treasure hunt when you could go and do something really testing.

I suggest that archery could be make a little more tasty if the boss were to stand with an apple on his head at which you could shoot (the apple that is!). Perhaps paint-ball could be replaced with air guns – you’d work a lot harder together if the bullet was really going to hurt. Or if you’re having a treasure hunt do it Battle Royale style. Would certainly keep you focussed! That would certainly encourage people to get on with one another!

So where did it all go wrong? In Ye Olden days kids were kicked out in the morning and told to go and amuse themselves for the day. They’d eventually slink back home muddy and exhausted from all the fun they’d had throughout the day. These days kids aren’t allowed out of the house and are stuck inside playing terrible mind rotting computer games and eating. Parents – get yourself some proper Childrens Toys and get your kids outside!